Thursday, March 6, 2003

Sorry, Eh? (16:03 AST, The ShanMonster)

Here's an apology, falsely attributed to Rick Mercer formerly of "This Hour Has 22 Minutes" on CBC Television:

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but, it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all it's not like you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.

I'm sorry we burnt down your white house during the war of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's Very Nice.

I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer but, we Feel your Pain.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way, which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with. Thank you.

Thanks, Elanya!

Doogie Doogie Doo! (15:55 AST, The ShanMonster)

I don't know why, but I really like looking at this picture of Neil Patrick Harris, better known as the guy who played Doogie Howser. Maybe it's because I like seeing guys with makeup. Maybe it's the languid way he's wearing his thin, but nicely muscled, arm as a hat. Or maybe it's just the perversity of seeing a child star all dolled up as some sort of gothic heroin addict. He's in a Broadway production of Cabaret, you see.

Either way, I still like looking at this picture....

Vamps and Cabbies and Hookers. Oh My! (15:43 AST, The ShanMonster)

Today I had some minor adventures. First of all, I took the bus. I haven't ridden on a city bus in a long time. This time, a stocky young man with a cigarette in hand struck up a conversation with me while we waited for the bus to show up. He told me about how a friend of his was "into role-playing and vampires and stuff" and was "demonstrating how he was a vampire." A photograph was taken of the vampire in question, and when the pictures were developed, half of the vampire had become transparent. Oooh. Spooky.

Anyhow, I went to the doctor for two reasons: my sore neck and my intermittently sore muff.

Problem number one was described as being wry neck. She recommended therapeutic massages and anti-inflammatories. I have a massage appointment scheduled for tonight.

I had believed problem number two was due to recurring yeast infections, but the doctor does not believe this is the case. She seems to think I have developed an intolerance to the bleach in pads and tampons. So, rather than just gush out down my legs, she suggests I go to a health food store and buy non-bleached feminine hygiene products. Argh. Those things are bound to be horrifically expensive. This is one of those times when I wish I was a guy and didn't have to worry about shit like organically-grown maxi pads harvested by unionized itinerant workers from the rare bloodsap tree.

After the appointment, I had to boogaloo back downtown all in a hurry. I was supposed to model this afternoon. So, for the first time in ages, I flagged down a cab. The cabbie was friendly and struck up a conversation, and somehow, during the course of our chat, I let it be known that I was a Middle Eastern dancer. "Oh yeah," he said. "A week or two back, I had one of them exotic dancers in the cab. She was on her way to the club, and she picked up both ankles and wrapped them right around her head, just as easily as you'd bend down to tie your shoe! She says her flexibility is what keeps her in dough."

I'm not sure where the Middle Eastern dancer/exotic dancer connection came in, but he wasn't through. The conversation continued along even odder lines when he told me he likes to hire escorts to keep him company at home. "I don't know why I dish out the money, because I never even touch 'em. I just get drunk, and call over to the escort service for them to send over a girl. That's $120 a shot, and I've never even tried to have sex with any of them."

I wasn't about to stop his reminisces. They're so foreign to my way of life that I found them fascinating.

"This one time," he continued, "I hired an escort, and when she got there, I told her I was too drunk, so I paid her and told her to leave. Then I passed out on the bed. I was all by myself, and she must have been stupid, because she stole an $80 bottle of cologne from my bureau. And here I'd even told her how I'd been good friends with the owner of the escort agency for over ten years!

"So I called up the escort agency the next day, and the owner said she'd talk to the girl. The girl denied everything, but then the owner seen the bottle of cologne I was talking about. So the girl got fired right then and there, but she refused to return the bottle of cologne.

"The owner called me up, though, and gave me the girl's number, figuring I could get the cologne back. So I called the girl, and who should answer but her husband who'd had not a clue that his wife was an escort, let alone a thief! I didn't spill the beans on her, though, because, just to make things trickier, the husband is a regular customer of mine. I drive him to work every day.

"The wife does call me back, though, and she's real sorry about everything. She pays $11 to have the cologne delivered back to me, and then says that if I'm ever lonely again, I should give her a call. As if!"

That's about when we pulled up in front of my place, so I paid my $5.50 and got out. I'm pretty amazed that such stuff goes on in such a tiny city. I mean, how could a woman ever expect to hide the fact she's a hooker from her husband in a place like Fredericton? Gossip travels really quickly in small towns.

I grabbed a quick snack, and then I headed downtown to do my modelling gig. But when I showed up, no one was there. Confused, I went down to the office to ask where everyone was. The receptionist was very apologetic when she told me the class had been cancelled and the instructor must have forgotten to inform me.

Argh again. I could have saved myself the cab fare if I'd known that, but then I wouldn't have heard about the Fredericton hooker. So I went off to the school and beat on some metal for a couple of hours.

And how was your day?

Wednesday, March 5, 2003

Brazoombas! (14:10 AST, The ShanMonster)

With just a few more minutes' work, I will be finished my heaviest piece of costuming yet: the penny bra. I'm not sure how much this item of clothing weighs, but it's got to be around four pounds. The cups are covered with shiny, shiny pennies. More shiny, shiny pennies dangle from a black glass beaded fringe, and to finish the whole thing off, I've strung clear glass/copper beads over the straps and along the borders.

Although the bra wasn't finished to my satisfaction, I did wear it at last weekend's dance party. Both the heaviness of the top and the movement of the hundreds of coins make my tiniest rib/chest movements go BAM! I love it! While wearing this top, I don't do large, fast rib movements. To do so would be frightening. While wearing this top, I think I have an inkling of what my extremely buxom sisters in dance go through. And yes, a high-speed shoulder shimmy can be a devastating thing....

I'll post pictures of the finished product when I can. I'll probably put the finishing touches on it by this evening.

Tuesday, March 4, 2003

Declaration (13:38 AST, The ShanMonster)

I hereby declare the rest of this day shall be spent on creative pursuits... once I'm through my bath, that is. I stink.

Dirty Snow (13:17 AST, The ShanMonster)

Away from the trodden paths, the snow may gleam with whiteness, but the snow on the roads looks like churned maple butter. You'd think I must have been hungry when dirty snow looks like food, but really, I wasn't. I was just looking at things which I normally take for granted. I was stopping and staring at the road, at snow, at telephone poles, and the sky. What would normally have been a five-minute walk took me about twenty, but I was seeing things in a different way.

Normally, sounds do this for me. The distant mournful howl of train whistles made me think of the wolves I heard howling in the mountains, years ago. Traffic running over a loose manhole cover is provocatively percussive, and I've danced to the rhythm of rush hour.

I still haven't been able to do this sort of thing for odours. Smells just seem more concrete than my other senses, and I'm not sure why that is.

Thank You (12:11 AST, The ShanMonster)

A big thank-you goes out to Michael Brutsch for his monetary donation. I've used the money to help pay for an instructional video on sword dance. Maybe some day I'll qualify as a sword master, and one who can dance, to boot!

The Only Day in the Year Which is Also an Order (11:30 AST, The ShanMonster)

I just got around to compiling last month's bizarre search terms. I culled out the boring ones (they invariably involve vaginas, nudity, and the Olsen twins). Here's what people are looking for:

1. i am pentecostal but i like gothic guys.. am i weird?
2. a experiment on witch diaper holds the most liquid (witches are apparently incontinent)
3. burning feet fetish (Ouch!)
4. hula dance porn
5. shower karate nude (I just don't see how karate figures into this)
6. MRI erotic pictures (Bwahahaha!)
7. superclits (Do they wear capes?)
8. banana rat picture
9. car floor mats with dragons (Here, under the gas pedal, there be dragons!)
10. horse dishing (What does this mean?)
11. smoking water nude (I don't think this is possible)
12. kung fu see in the dark (I can't wait until I learn this!)
13. nude jehovah (So that's what the burning bush was!)
14. oh toe characteristic
15. hair styling moose
16. wobbling bums
17. night to get home last night
18. clit gold solder (Ouch!)
19. when did people start putting writing on the tombstones?
20. what does ass whole mean? (The butt, the whole butt, and nothing but the butt)
21. do chickens have clits?
22. drawings of wrinkled women
23. picture with ring reading hit your head here feel bad
24. what is a vagina? (Oh dear.)
25. how to make meth in an hour
26. shaolin terms emotion
27. stuck without hope, interests, things to look forward to
28. camel toe and michael jackson
29. camel toe beach boys
30. decimalisation attacks

Monday, March 3, 2003

Thinking and Musing (21:04 AST, The ShanMonster)

I've been compiling my disparate dance-related writings into one spot. Perhaps I'll be able to glean a book out of them. Do you think people would be interested enough in what I have to say about dance to dish out money for my words?

I'm still not entirely sure what the format will be, but something tells me it will be mostly experiential, with personal vignettes, some instructional breakdowns, and performance observations.

I think I'll just noodle around with what I've got and see what happens.

Update (17:05 AST, The ShanMonster)

Added part two to Phil Tries to Correct The ShanMonster on Jesus Was Gother Than You. I think I had too much fun with this one. I even found more proof of Jesus' gothnicity!

Update (15:47 AST, The ShanMonster)

Added Jesus loves u (Alicia) Tries to Stop The ShanMonster and Forever Fallen Tries to Help The ShanMonster Think to Jesus Was Gother Than You. I expect more of an influx of mail now that JWGTY has been listed on Memepool.

Poor Little Body (14:55 AST, The ShanMonster)

I think it's about time for some morbid excerpts from Victorian children's literature. Today's treat originally came from the anonymously-written The Peep of Day written in 1860. It is excerpted in Nigel Temple's Seen and Not Heard: A Garland of Fancies for Victorian Children.

How easy it would be to hurt your poor little body! If it were to fall into the fire, it would be burned up. If hot water were to fall upon it, it would be scalded. If it were to fall into deep water, and not be taken out very soon, it would be drowned. If a great knife were run through your body, the blood would come out. If a great box were to fall on your head, your head would be crushed. If you were to fall out of the windeow, your neck would be broken. If you were not to eat some food for a few days, your little body would be very sick, your breath would stop, and you would grow cold, and you would soon be dead.

You see that you have a very weak little body.

Can you keep your own body from being sick, and from being hurt? You should try not to hurt yourself, but God only can keep your body from all harm, from fire, from water, from wounds and bruises, and all kinds of sickness. Kneel down and say to God, 'Pray, keep my poor little body from getting hurt.' God will hear you and go on taking care of you.

The Moral of the Story (10:10 AST, The ShanMonster)

One of my karate instructors sent me this little story:

I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted me, which made me feel uncomfortable.

One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once.

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased; you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the car.

Belly Dance Workshop au Go-Go (09:55 AST, The ShanMonster)

Saturday morning, I arrived in Moncton with my mother and sister just in time to begin our girdle/belt-making workshop. Seven people had registered. Sewing abilities ranged from the never-sewn-a-button-on to have-machine-and-can-use-it. I hadn't given or been to a costuming workshop in almost five years, so I was a bit nervous as to how this one would progress.

I needn't have worried. It went swimmingly!

I'd decided that I would teach the workshops by teaching by demonstration. I did each of the steps for my own costumes. I opted to make a belt that ties in the front, but showed how to make belts which close on the side, criss-crossed in the front, or close in two places in the front (like the tying belt, a great option for people who have been losing weight).

From 9-4:30, we all measured, cut, pinned, and sewed. Although not everyone had a finished belt by the end of the day, more than half did, and the rest of the participants knew how to finish theirs. I hope to have pictures of all the finished projects at some point, and I'll put them online when I get them.

That night, there was an intimate dance party. Just five people (including myself) showed up, and we danced, chatted, and sipped red wine. Somehow, despite having woken up at 4:00 that morning and having a desperately sore neck and shoulder, I managed to solo for two Ofra Haza songs (eg. "Love Song" and "Galbi"). "Love Song" is one of my old stand-bys. I've been dancing to it for years, and have almost exclusively used it for floorwork. This night was no different, and I did a lot of backbends to the floor, arches back up again, and undulations all the while. I even managed to throw in a caterpillar crawl It's an odd move done while lying on one's back with ankles crossed and arms crossed while extended on the floor behind the head. The dancer ripples along the floor in the direction of the feet. It looks really cool, but I've yet to see anyone else do it in performance.

I tried doing some spot turns during "Galbi," but my neck just would not cooperate, so I gave it up. I didn't even try any head tosses. Nuh-uh.

Afterwards, Sephira danced to a Loreena McKennit song. Every time I see her, her dancing is better. There's always a surprise. This time, she threw in a move I'd never seen her do before: a reverse camel walk with reverse stomach undulation. It looked great, and now I know what move I need to practice!

Two of her students also danced. One of them wore the belt she'd just made that day, a candy pink confection with a pink and blue glass bead fringe. It was her first time ever doing a solo performance, and although I could tell she was a new dancer, I was surprised to learn she'd only started dancing in September.

The other student, Martine, danced to two songs by Enya (I think). The first was a taqsim of sorts, and the second was a spirited veil dance. Sephira's students, like Sephira, do wonderful things with circular veils. The effect is dramatic and beautiful.

Afterwards, I challenged Sephira do a dance duel. I picked out a song I was sure she'd never heard, told her it was five minutes long, and she was off! It didn't take her long to catch on to the rhythm. It was a slow, Latin-sounding bit of almost-muzak. While she danced, we made gunslinger jokes, and talked about how instead of this being a Western, it was a Middle-Eastern. At one point, while doing large hip circles, she also spun her arm around like she was twirling a lariat, then shot out the invisible lasso and roped me! She also repeated her popular reverse camel undulation bow-legged style.

It was my turn, next, and the song chosen for me was familiar. "I know this one," I said, so a new song was chosen, and it was a doozy. Just when I was certain I knew how the rhythm would change, it would stay the same. And just when I was sure it would remain the same, it would change. Ack! Still, I hammed it up cowboy style, and drew invisible six-shooters and did invisible rope tricks. I think I did pretty well, considering my exhausted zombie status.

Finally, I got to go to bed. Actually, I went to floor, albeit a floor lined with lots of pillows. I spent a fitful night dozing through my mother's raucous snores. Any time she stopped snoring, it would wake me up. At one point, I dreamed I was sleeping on a sidewalk, and when I woke up, the truth wasn't that far removed.

I woke up around 5:00 the next morning, and just laid there for two more hours until it was time to get up. Somehow, I was able to get my sore-sore-sore body moving, and off we trooped to day two of the costuming workshop. This time, we'd be working on circle skirts and circular veils.

Circle skirts (and veils) are very easy to make. They just take lots of meticulous folding and measuring. Once again, I demonstrated each step by working on my own skirt (made of an odd but pretty orange and multi-coloured paisley). Again, not everyone finished their skirts and veils in the time provided, but they all knew how to finish them by the end of the class. At least one of them was planning on wearing her new skirt at that evening's dance class.

Throughout the weekend, I also managed to sell a decent amount of sequins, ribbons, lace, and beads. Between the little bit of money I was paid for giving the workshop, the money made by selling trim, and the money I'd made by selling costumes through Sephira's store, I'd made enough to pay for my trip plus help out with rent/bills/etcetera.

I've asked for feedback on the workshop so I'll have a better idea of what to do differently/similarly at the next workshops I give. This fall, we'd like to hold another one. This time, we'll work on harem pants and vests. This is good, because there are also male dancers in the area who'd like make their own costumes. Another workshop is also tentatively planned which will cover things like decorative cuffs, headpieces, armbands, and other things which can be made from scraps of fabric. I'll have to do some more thinking about that one.

The workshop has also given me more ideas for new costuming books. I'd like to make specialized books. So, I'm thinking I might make a book on skirts, another on vests, one on harem pants, etcetera. We shall see!

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