Thursday, January 27, 2005

Before Bedtime (23:43 AST, The ShanMonster)

I can feel them looking at me. Insolence and hate seethes from their eyes, but whenever I turn, no one is watching. Instead, they're suspiciously busy doing the most mundane things. They'll be gulping down kernels of corn. They may stare at their own feet. Or perhaps they'll eat gravel. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between their feigned disinterest and actual distraction. But I know better. I've caught their malevolent glares in the reflection of my spectacles. I can see them, right between the mirror image of the thin line of pink skin separating my mascara-barren lashes from my eyeballs.

Whenever my stomach groans, I know it's an echo of their evil sentiments. Whenever my leg aches, it's from a sudden jab of hate. The shivers on the back of my neck are the ghosts of feathers past. They hate me. They all loathe me.

And it's not that it's undeserved. I've devoured countless of their kind, after all, and they have every right to damn me to Hell.

I make thick German/Hebrew/Russian sounds in my throat, then hoark phlegm onto the earth. And I laugh as they fight over who gets to eat it. When they squabble they sound like cackling women in a typing pool.

I eat them, and they eat of me. It's cyclical. It's the way of nature. It's one of those things which can never change.

Last Break (16:34 AST, The ShanMonster)

I wish I hadn't run out on my ex when I got her knocked up. It really wasn't the right thing for me to have done, but I was afraid. I'm not ready to be a father. I'll never forget the way she looked at me when I said I was out of there. Her big brown eye was luminous with tears. The smaller green one squinted at me with anger.

I don't regret having the gender reassignment surgery, though. It was the right thing to do.

Work (14:19 AST, The ShanMonster)

Every time my supervisor opened his mouth this morning, parallellograms came out in lieu of words. I always knew he was into geometry, but this was the clincher as to just how deep.

Squares, rectangles, and trapezoids erupted from his mouth in bright blue guffaws. It was rather unsettling, and I had to dodge a cerulean rectangle of gargantuan proportions. It nearly took off my head!

The more excited he got, the bigger and brighter became the shapes. I was relieved when he finally went away. It was much easier to get work done without all that unnecessary distraction.

This Morning (11:58 AST, The ShanMonster)

I couldn't hack the ocean today so I shucked my gills and went walkabout on the glorious shores of British Columbia. The surf kicked at me and I kicked right back. My toes wobbled with strawberry jello.

I don't miss my gills. Long hair and gills don't mix, and I always had one hell of a time with it getting sucked into my gills on every intake.

As I walked toward the forest, sand worked its way deep into my feet. I could feel the grit grinding its way up through my vains. It tickled when it reached my thighs, and it slowed down my walking speed. I didn't mind, though. I'd rather be a turtle, anyhow.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Today (20:00 AST, The ShanMonster)

I tried to transfer a call, and instead did a police call trace and hung up on the guy. I also got to run outside in the cold along with everyone else in the entire complex during a fire alarm. I think I was the only one who enjoyed the excursion. Aside from the faux pas with the call trace, I'm getting competent with this phone stuff.

Did I mention that I'm on the ball at work? No, really. I sit on one of those big exercise balls instead of a chair. I tried a chair on the first day, and it just killed my back. So I switched over to a ball, and it's much more comfortable. Other people look at me with pity, thinking I was forced to sit on the thing, but no, I requested it. It's much more comfortable for me, and I get to bounce on it between calls.

I'm hoping f00 can spare enough time to watch a movie with me tonight. I need to be braindead for a while. I'm awfully tired.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

I'm Such a Phoney (23:12 AST, The ShanMonster)

Today was my first day on the phones at work. I took calls all day. I think I wore out my face with all the talking, but there was still enough of me left over for kung fu. In fact, I think I did better tonight than I have in a month or so. I did the best gung gee I've done in months. I also worked with two newbies, and got them straightened out quite a bit. I like working with beginners. Maybe it's because it makes my kung fu feel stronger in comparison. Ha!

I called up the other kung fu instructor today. He teaches Shaolin and Wing Chun, so I'll be checking out his class next week, if all goes as planned. Lots of people from my kwoon are expecting a full report, of course.

And now to empty out the various links clogging up my poor computer....

A Little Pregnant: Remember all those preemie dolls that were all the rage? Well, this one seems more accurate than those.

Buttocks Tell a Lot of a Person's Sexuality and Tempter (sic): According to this, I'm strong, persistent, and enduring in bed. Yeah, that's true. Especially when I'm asleep (thanks, Benoit)!

Best Kung Fu Fight--Ever!: Ok, maybe not, but it's weird as hell!

Calvin and Hobbes Snowman Massacre: Watch as a modern classic is brought to life.

Ugly Toe Pics: Yup. Those sure are ugly. Longpig need not click here.

Absorbshun: "Does Your Sex Life Suffer Because Of Excess Vaginal Wetness?" Yeah. Sex is better when skin gets pulled off, for sure (possibly NSFW, depending on your embarassment factor!).

Preserved Squirrel Genitals: You can buy anything on eBay.

Hostess Twinkies Sushi: I think real sushi is healthier for you, but these are pretty darned cute.

Monday, January 24, 2005

The Dream (22:38 AST, The ShanMonster)

I'm racing down a long corridor with heavy-duty steel plating for floors. The metal is beginning to oxidize. Although the corridor is straight, it often ramps up or down and doesn't stay level for long. I'm rushing along picking up little stacks of cooked and raw yams. As I pick them up, they disappear, and I rush along to get the next little orange heap.

I end up in a small bedroom, possibly a dorm room. In it are f00 and Freakwoman. They are afraid, and so am I. An imposter is around. I turn around so fast my hair whips me in the face, and I catch a glimpse of not-f00. He has long blond hair like f00 once had, but it's lankier and a bit more red in colour. He runs into the room and slams and bolts the door behind him. He's holding a chromed dance sword, and rushes forward, thrusting the sword at Freakwoman's breast.

f00 manages to knock the sword aside, preventing Freakwoman from taking any injury. The imposter thrusts his dull sword at me, and I clap the blade between my hands, then somehow wrest it free from his grasp. I take the sword by the pommel and jam the tip between the imposter's ribs. As I shove it forward, I tell f00 or Freakwoman to call the police. I wonder if I'll be arrested, or if I can get off on self-defense. Then I wake up.

Oof (20:07 AST, The ShanMonster)

That was harsh. Forty hours of that a week? Oof.

I'm thinking of cheating on my kwoon. Another school offers kung fu classes on Monday night: my only free weeknight. Maybe I'll try it out for a month and see. I don't even know what style is taught there, or if it will make me even more confused with my current knowledge. I'll call and see if I can try one class out and make a judgement on that. I'd much rather continue studying with my current Sifus, but it may be months before I again get the chance.

Why do I feel like an adulteress for considering training elsewhere?

Yeah, here are your links. Enjoy.

One Man's Eye: Photographs from the Alan Siegel Collection: Magnificent photography spanning decades.

Mastiff Delivers Massive Litter Of Puppies: Twenty-four, to be precise. Yikes!

Yoga: Just an Exercise or Something More?: The JWs take on yoga, and how it leaves your body and mind open to demonic possession. Eeee!

The Biology of B-Movie Monsters: "Size has been one of the most popular themes in monster movies, especially those from my favorite era, the 1950s. The premise is invariably to take something out of its usual context--make people small or something else (gorillas, grasshoppers, amoebae, etc.) large--and then play with the consequences. However, Hollywood's approach to the concept has been, from a biologist's perspective, hopelessly naïve." What? You mean a 100-tonne spider is impossible? Oh no!

Muscle Champion Galleries: "Photographic image archive of Victorian and Edwardian-age bodybuilders and strongmen." I think these vignettes are fascinating. Didja know, for example, that the term "rippling muscles" originated with a body builder by the name of Maxick (Mack Sick)?

Scatdolls: And no, they're definitely NSFW. I wonder how many kids have brought these dollies to school....

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