Who Are They?

Australia

Tin Man 666: Plays guitar and likes heavy metal, but I won't hold that against him, because he used to have a mullet, then saw the error of his ways and shaved it off. If he wasn't so smart, he'd be a classic ICQvert. He's way too much into the online seduction of 18-year-old chicks with cams, and one day, I'm sure he's going to see something he'll wish he hadn't. One of those things just might be BalthCat who consistently avails himself of my ICQ to make indecent proposals to Tin Man 666. Gee, you don't suppose he thought it was me all that time, do you?

Austria

Kimby: Unphotographable. My bosomy buddy and partner in crime. A Setite all the way, she dyes her hair fabulous colours, wears sexy zippered clothing, and does absolutely insane things on the upswing of her bipolar disorder. She's going to leave the world some rivetting memoirs, someday. I may be the one to write them. When we both occupy the same geographical turf, weird things happen. Online, she transforms into a gay man with a penchant for ass torture and nun-biting. In real life, she shoves carrots up the butts of all her male lovers. Don't ask. It's inexplicable. She claims to be a tech-writer, but I know better. She's really some sort of dominatrix who uses schnauzers and serial killers for pleasure and profit. When she meets up with Marquis, he will have to make sure there are no carrots nearby.

Upper Canada

Duckula: Fluffygoth, mad scientist, and physics geek. His idea of fun is a drawnout conversation with f00Dave about leptoquarks. Almost always wears mismatched socks. Does magnetic resonance imaging of jellybeans. Yes, really. Is considering moving his academic interests over to biology so he can conduct head transplants and create an army of zombie rhesus monkeys, but in the meantime has shaved his head and joined the navy.

Paint It Black: Tells horrible jokes, and couldn't carry a tune to save his life. A very minor porn star, but wants to be much bigger. As an occasional member of the sex industry, has lots of interesting stories to tell. Keeps trying to get me in on some pornos with him, but I don't wanna!

Pony Pumper: Pony Pumper is an old friend and one of my fetish consultants. He can often be found scoping out horses for nefarious purposes, or listening to horrible Canadian rock bands like Rush. Whenever I have a question about the gay leather scene, I just ask Pony Pumper. He probably even knows what that spark-plug-looking thing is I saw at Northbound Leather, but I'm afraid to ask. Even my dominatrix friend Lisa didn't know....

Skippy: He only looks like a child molester. He really isn't one. Watches way too much television, makes scary webpages, and reads too many bad comic books, but somehow, he's still kinda cool. He's a doughnut guy and lapsed radio broadcaster and theatre director. We made great radio together. I think he has a new play in the works. It's a derivation of Swan Lake featuring penguins in tights dancing with Timbits in tutus.

Saint John

Vess: Chemical engineer and White Wolf game master par excellence, Terry doesn't like it when people say he has bitch tits. Has appalling tastes in liquor, and has been known to mix red wine with hot chocolate to disastrous consequences. Owns a lovely alligator posing pouch called "The Snapper," but refuses to model it for his friends. Looks like Keanu Reeves' younger brother and can't stand potato chips.

BalthCat: Self-proclaimed evil cat god with a barely-suppressed afro. Introduced me to vore. He sometimes goes to classes in the daytimes, spends the evenings working at the radio station, then comes over to drink coffee and super-caffeinated tea in my overstuffed chair. He drags me out to 24-hour MSG-laden restaurants at 4:30 in the morning after watching arty films with cute naked men in them. Much more neurotic than Woody Allen, with an extreme obsessive/compulsive personality. He dreams about eating babies, and enjoys looking at scenery.

Elanya: Devious, conniving, voluptuous hater of Pinnochio and the Dutch. She claims to be an archaelogist and a writer, but I know the real truth: she's instigating ill-will toward the Netherlands. I've seen her tear a Dutch flag to shreds with her teeth. She ate my books on Rembrandt and Van Gogh. Elanya's sister, Witch Hazel, once drugged her and dressed her up as a little Dutch girl and took pictures. I fear for Witch Hazel's life. Elanya is surely plotting revenge. Ironically, Elanya comes from Dutch ancestry. My new nickname for her is Hooter; she hoots when she laughs.

f00Dave: My hubby and best friend. Insufferably arrogant, he's some sort of genius, especially when it comes to computers. Logic is his middle name. Well, actually it's Roger, but he'd probably change it to Logic if he thought about it. Like his beloved computers, f00Dave has a difficult time thinking laterally. He's fascinated with OpenGL, chupacabras, tesseracts, schwas, hypercubes, schlocky sci-fi, and string theory. I call him Daveybum.

Girl Jodie: Titfucks Balthcat's head at inopportune moments. She also humps all her friends while shouting "Unf! Unf!" But mostly, she gets overtired and mutters "Clit!", "Fuck!", and "Tits!" I think she has Tourrette's.

Little André: He's not little at all. He makes me look like a frigging midget! Obsessed with monkeys, NIN tshirts, and making long-distance telephone calls. Spends most of his time bothering f00 and me with his incessant mooing. Has turned annoyance into an artform. He has piss-poor taste in beaches, and delights in making me swim amongst jellyfish. But he's super-friendly, and can be talked into doing just about anything. He is therefore emminently corruptible.

Mokey: Sex-mad chef. If he got together with Marquis and Paint It Black, an enormous orgy would ensue. Unbearably cute. Some guys think he's sleazy, but most women think he's a sweetie. He has a superfluous nipple. I'm appalled that the only picture I have of him is this scan of his arse. He's really much better looking than that!

Nigeyfunk: Belly dancer, club dancer, and flaming honourary chinchilla. Has hordes of angry exes chasing his PVC-clad Riverdancing ass all over New Brunswick. Was roommates with Little André. Plans on raising a squirrel army to take down BalthCat and his troops of evil cat minions. Between Nigeyfunk's crazed exes and squirrel soldiers, Balthcat's militant cats, and Duckula's zombie rhesus monkey army, the world will never know peace.

Raine: My sister. Has horrible taste in video games and literature. Sold her lesbian chinchillas, bought a series of kittens, and cavorted in Disneyland. Was once kicked in the head by a stripper. She has the most fucked-up sleep schedule of anyone I know, and always has. When she was a baby, I loomed over her crib for hours at a time shouting, "Say 'Bob Barker!' Say 'Bob Barker!'" Finally, she acquiesced. Those were her first words. I don't think she's ever forgiven me.

Seansie: Dope fiend, schizophrenic artist, and raper of squirrels. Listens to pussy metal and owns a huge collection of crucifixes. Used to live in the very apartment I now inhabit. I keep finding the decayed body parts of various species in his old closet. I suspect he may be a serial killer, so I try to stay on his good side. This is difficult because he is suffering nicotine withdrawal, and is more psychotic than ever.

SuperBrad: Forget Bob. SuperBrad is the lord of slack. Well, the god of apathy, at least. He's more like a cartoon character than an actual person. His bizarre habits include constant slapping of his belly, punching of his collar bone, looming, shouting, pacing, talking about "chi," and lying in bed with a heater aimed at his arse. He constantly emits strange sounds from his mouth and butt, and odd smells emanate from his vicinity. Has a head shaped like a water cooler. Beware SuperBrad. He was my roommate for a few years. I survived, but it was touch and go for a while.

Witch Hazel / Longpig: She's fucking weird. She's also a kickass photographer, and cleans up on all the art scholarships going around Eastern Canada. She plays Vampire and watches freaky japscat videos with me. Sometimes she brings Egon, her runty, epileptic chinchilla with ADHD, over to visit. Sometimes, she brings Monopoly instead, but no one ever plays it. We are both obsessed with the host of Iron Chef. He's such a hottie! We may have to have a bake-off to see who wins him.

Moncton

Byron: A terrifying driver. Don't get into his car. A reformed bad driver. The last few times I drove with him, nothing scary happened, at all (well, except for when he swerved to avoid a dead porcupine and instead drove right across its belly). Is the most conservative-looking guy you could ever meet, but beneath that button-down exterior lies a raging pervert. When he's not busy renting S&M pornos and downloading pictures of lesbians with PVC strap-ons, he buys Star Wars propaganda and enough rare Magic cards to bankrupt a blue collar worker. Has turned away from his habitual Magic-playing and Star Wars fanboy ways, and instead spends all his money on motorboats. The Magic cards might've cost more, though. He was really into Magic. Mega. His most-uttered expression is "What the hey?"

Dude: A dead ringer for Billy Bragg, was born in Britain, raised in California, and sounds like a Cockney surfer. Hyperkinetic air traffic controller, claims to be a rad artist and motorcycle racer, but doesn't actually race bikes or draw pictures anywhere outside his own imagination. Very outspoken, often inserts both feet into his mouth, but isn't aware of doing so until his fiancée Jos seethes out the word "BUNNY...." Likes to go to tropical countries to complain about the heat.

KuTuLu: Looks and acts like f00's little brother, so you know bloody well he's a total computer geek, too. When it's hot out, he leaves computers alone long enough to follow me to icecream parlours. Once, he made me go to a cement "beach," where we swam with urinating children.

Sephira: My old dance partner, and a siren with a whiskey and cigarettes voice. When I first met her, she was painfully shy. But when she put on her dance costume, she transformed into a wanton sex goddess, with hairy legs and all! Watch out for her hips. She can shimmy like a mosquito on amphetamines.

The Netherlands

Marquis: My Dutch porn friend. Also known as MQ. Kimby and I tried to corrupt him, but ended up corrupted by him, instead. Quite possibly the horniest person on the face of the planet. Supplies me with videos and photos of the weirdest acts of human depravity ever performed. Has a thing for produce porn (as in carrots and Chinese cabbage) and ass torture. When his parents come to visit, he doesn't bother hiding his sex toys since they aren't recognizable as such. His parents just think they're computer parts or kitchen appliances. I'm glad he's in the Netherlands and not here. He'd probably be arrested for lewd conduct within twenty minutes of arriving in Canada. Doesn't yet know about Elanya's nefarious plotting.

Actually, I'm quite worried about Marquis. I haven't heard from him since Christmas 2000, and am afraid he may have killed himself. He was very depressed the last few times I was able to chat with him. I don't know who I can contact to see if he is okay. Crikey.

Virginia

Ayrsayle: He ain't pretty, he just looks that way. When he's not busy dressing up like a hot chick, Ayrsayle likes to watch tentacle porn in his sauna of an apartment. He also enjoys having sidhe sex, drawing dragons, getting nekkid for artists, saying "y'all", and bitching about Canadian iced tea. He's very, very American.