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What is a ShanMonster?

You really give a shit? Somehow, I'm betting you'll cop out before you read all this ShanMonster propaganda.

  • The flattering description: I'm 30-something years old (almost too old to tell anyone, anymore), 5'9" tall, have big brown eyes, pouty dark-lipsticked lips, blue-black hair to the top of my hips, legs that go on forever, long and slender fingers, a 34-26-35 figure, well-toned muscles, and I'm one drop-dead gorgeous perkygoff, if only in my own opinion.

    [The ShanMonster]
  • The not-so-flattering description: I've got a scattering of radish-coloured deep subcutaneous zits in my chin, boobs like hardfried eggs with the yolks broken, stubbly legs, the eyebrows of an elderly Russian politician (I need a weed-wacker....), a smattering of re-appearing thick, black whiskers on my chin, enormous pores on the backs of my hands and arms, am as blind as the proverbial bat, have a chronically-swollen right foot and a deep gouge of a wrinkle betwixt my eyebrows, hands which look like they belong to an old lady, can't write original music to save my life, keep an abundantly messy apartment, and have a strange predeliction for disaster and martial arts movies and old Sinbad/Hercules flicks. I also tend to torture disobedient plants. If a plant doesn't want to stay nice and green even when I give it lots of light, fertilizer, and water, I deprive it of everything but verbal insults. So far, I've killed all who dare disobey.


  • Personality traits: Outgoing, friendly, pensive, empathetic, a lateral thinker, and an over-achiever. Now, for the bad stuff.... Confrontational, antagonistic, hair-splitter, egotistical, self-centred, narcissistic, impatient, easily distracted, bitchy, socially-bulimic (solitary for long hours, and then I explode into sociability), and a shit-disturber. I thrive on the chaos I cause.

  • I am a part-time boot fetishist (even though I can no longer wear my pretty boots because of my bad foot) and pervert. I am also a full-time heretic, agnostic, antichrist, apostate wannabe, freethinker, false prophet, hair-splitter, humanist, misanthrope, skeptic, and general pain in the ass.

  • Two chinchillas and a husband live with me: Princess Tubby and Squire, her brother/daddy. They don't have a family tree as much as a family stump. Oh yeah, and my hubby is the incomparable f00Dave/Daveman. His butt smells, but I love him anyway.

Current Occupations:

  • Dance Teacher. I teach Middle Eastern dance to beginners and intermediate-level dancers. It's a lot of fun, and it helps keep my dancing up to snuff, too.
  • Dance Student. When I'm not off on some Egyptian/Turkish dance workshop or another, I dabble in various other dance forms, including Modern (Martha Graham style), lyrical-jazz, and West African.
  • Cewebrity. It's gotten to the point where people are recognizing me on the street in strange cities. Scary....
  • Amateur historian. I occasionally go on research trips in order to increase both other people's and my own knowledge of the European witch trials. Fascinating stuff, this....
  • Artist. I've graduated from such art classes as beginner drawing, introductory water colours, introductory acrylics, paper-making, hand-made book-making, fashion design, adult portraiture, intermediate drawing, and figure drawing. I've also taught craft classes to children.
  • Dancer. I've covered such venues as art gallery openings, wine festivals, birthday parties, "belly-jams," country fairs, multicultural dinners, and demonstrations for dance classes. Usually, I do raqs sharqi, but I am developing my own style, based on various movement experiences. Yes, I can flip coins on my stomach. A local newspaper did a gigantic full-colour picture of me, plus an in-depth interview about my dancing. They called me "an internet business woman by day, and an Egyptian princess by night." Wacky....
  • Martial artist. I hold an orange belt in goju ryu karate-do and a lowly white sash in hung gar kung fu. I've also studied Wu-style t'ai chi chu'an, and have dabbled briefly in other martial arts, including Shotokan karate, aikido, Shaolin kung fu, and tae kwon do.
  • Model. Basically, I get paid to hang around artists while I'm nekkid. I was interviewed by a local paper regarding my predilection for posing deshabille. It's a good thing I don't like "normal" jobs! I'd never get any free publicity. Lately, I've been doing too much modelling for my own liking. Six-hour modelling stints are absolutely brutal.

Past Occupations:

  • Activities counsellor (fancy talk for park babysitter)
  • Actor (from theatre to radio drama to a "how to check for breast lumps" video)
  • Advertising manager (wrote, produced, and sold radio commercials)
  • AIDS educator (designed an AIDS awareness curriculum for junior high students)
  • Anchorperson (hosted a radio documentary on street-involved youth)
  • Art gallery attendant
  • Assistant stage manager (for a musical, believe it or not: Working)
  • Botanic illustrator (fancy talk for someone who draws lots of plants)
  • Cartoon Star. You know how Disney cartoonists often base their drawings off models? Well, I was involved in a similar project, albeit on a much smaller scale. I modeled for an animated feature about Pandora called Spin.
  • Comic book shop manager (fancy talk for ill-treated slave. See why I quit.)
  • Computerized information processor (yup. That's data entry)
  • Computer Person Thingie (non-fancy talk for person who does all sorts of stuff with computers). I'm not sure what my job title is, but I do web page design, public relations, image scanning, web mastering, and on-line representation for my own pages (of course), Pine Glen Jewellery, The County Chronicle, The Riverview Business Loop, PM Die Cast Model Cars, County Chronicle Publications, Brunswick Realists, Gallery Equinoxx, and Flo's Fishing and Hunting (of all things...). Don't bet on any of these pages still being online, or having anything currently in common with my web design. It's been several years, after all....
  • Craft Seller
  • Dance Costume Designer. Dance costumes are expensive. Out of necessity, I make my own. I custom-make dance clothing for myself and others.
  • Egg collector (I grew up on a farm with lots o' chickens!)
  • English tutor
  • Exam marker
  • Fiction reviewer (I critiqued short stories for the now-defunct Short Story Collective and judged fiction for a very small contest at a gaming convention. Whoop-de-doo.)
  • Fitness instructor. I taught flexibility classes and belly dancercise: a low-impact fitness class geared at improving balance, strength, and flexibility while teaching some very basic dance moves.
  • Front-end cashier. Basically, overworked, underpaid grocery store automaton.
  • Front of house (fancy talk for someone who sells tickets at a play, shows people to their seats, and turns the house lights off. Thankless tasks that need to be done)
  • Gaming consultant (fancy talk for game store clerk who answers many stupid questions) [Can you see up my nose?]
  • Gardener. Actually, I still do it, but it's just a hobby now.
  • Horse-shit shoveller
  • Industrial music director
  • In-Store Interviewer (fancy talk for credit card pusher)
  • Journalist
  • Landscape gardener
  • Magazine panelist (Teen Generation magazine)
  • Membership secretary for Laubach Literacy Council
  • Model (fashion, photography, sculpting, painting, body painting, and figure drawing)
  • Music Director. I was in control of the music department of CHSR-fm radio. It was a damned cool part-time job, dontcha think?
  • Newsletter editor
  • On-air programmer (fancy talk for radio dj; I did an industrial music programme called The Erotic Tablesaw off and on for almost ten years, then a Middle-/Near-Eastern and North African music programme called Ya Habibi. I've also anchored various open-format shows, co-hosted music, news, and talk-radio programmes, and interviewed unwary souls live, on air.
  • Performance artist (acting that crazy in public ought to have a job title)
  • Playwright
  • Public relations representative
  • "Publisher" (a codified word for people who go from door to door peddling copies of the Watchtower and Awake!. Yup, I used to be one of those....)
  • Radio documentarist
  • Sound manager (for lots and lots of plays)
  • Theatre/film/literary critic (for radio, print, and Internet)
  • WebMonster
[Toothy ShanMonster]

What She Should Do:

  • According to the Career Questionnaire at College Board Online, I should be either a farm operator/manager or a funeral director. Mind-boggling!

Education:

  • YMCA -- Fitness Theory and Group Fitness Leadership -- Yeah, I'm a professional jock. In theory, I can lead an aerobics class, but I prefer to teach low- or no-impact fitness classes. I've also taken a kinesiology class on movement awareness at the University of New Brunswick.
  • New Brunswick College of Craft and Design -- Various Workshops -- I've learned how to handmake paper, bind books, paint with acrylics, and produce fashion shows. Although none of these skills seem necessary for living, they have certainly made living seem more necessary....
    Metal Arts -- I am currently studying jewellery and metal arts. I've been accepted into second year studies, but am on a waiting list. Sigh....
  • Laubach Literacy Council -- Adult Literacy Certificate -- I am certified to teach illiterate adults how to read. So far, I haven't done this, but I did become the Literacy Council's membership secretary for a while.
  • Ruth Barne's Modelling Agency -- Advanced Modelling Certificate -- Frankly, I received more fashion modelling work before getting this certificate. Since the certificate, I've only modelled in one show, and only modelled one gown.
  • Theocratic Ministry School -- Yes, the dreaded Jehovah's Witness school of preaching. Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, I was in training to become a minister, or even a missionary!
  • The University of New Brunswick -- Bachelor of Arts -- Double Major in English (Drama) and Classics (Civilization) with a Minor in Fine Arts (Creative Writing). Although UNB doesn't give out double minors, I pretty much had an additional minor in psychology, minus a couple of core classes. I have yet to receive employment based on my degree, but I am quite qualified to work at a McDonald's near you.
  • Mount Allison University -- Introductory Sociology -- I aced it, so now I understand all the world's woes.
  • Equinoxx Art -- Numerous and varied art classes -- Introductory, intermediate, and advanced drawing, figure drawing, introductory watercolour, children's portraiture, adult portraiture, and intermediate/Advanced Middle Eastern dance.

Favourite Artists:

Favourite Bands/Musicians:

For an in-depth look at what I like, check out The ShanMonster's Music Library.

  • C-Tec
  • Cyberaktif
  • Delerium (pre-Poem)
  • Doubting Thomas
  • Download
  • Haujobb
  • Peter Murphy
  • Project Pitchfork
  • Sisters of Mercy
  • Skinny Puppy
  • Snog
  • Rachid Taha
  • The Tear Garden
  • VNV Nation
  • :Wumpscut:
[Scary shiny Shan]

Favourite Songs:

  • Asp Hole - Pigface
  • Cornflake Girl - Tori Amos
  • Delilah - Tom Jones
  • Habina - Rachid Taha
  • You and Me and Rainbows - Tear Garden
  • Worlock - Skinny Puppy

Favourite Books/Series:

Favourite Films:

Least Favourite Films:

  • 9 1/2 Ninjas -- This parody of 9 1/2 Weeks and any ninja flick is quite easily the worst movie ever made. Even Ed Wood would have been dismayed.
  • Batman Forever -- I hate Jim Carrey. I hate him.
  • The Crow -- I liked it the first time, saw how completely stilted the dialogue is the second time, and grew to loathe it the third time. Any subsequent screenings of it only cement my dislike of it. (Uh oh. I just might get flamed for this sacrilegious personal opinion.)
  • The Crow: City of Angels -- Puh-lease! It is a poorly written melodramatic travesty of a music video. All allusions are as blatant as if there'd been neon signs saying, "Symbolism here!" This unintentionally hilarious flick is a prime example of bathos.
  • The Crow III -- It isn't out yet, but I hate it already.
  • Dragonheart -- Retch! Gag! Spew!
  • Female Trouble -- When the movie finally ended, I gave a standing ovation.
  • First Knight -- I haven't seen such poor acting since my elementary school production of "The Magical Flute."
  • Legends of the Fall -- This was, quite possibly, the most pretentious film I've ever seen. I laughed when Grizzly Adams, I mean Brad Pitt, was mauled by the bear at the end.
  • Mafia! -- I don't remember anything amusing about this film. Whatever happened to funny spoofs like Airplane?
  • Night at the Roxbury -- This made me feel ill. How can a 90-minute movie be about people shaking their heads?
  • Scream -- Satire at its most mediocre. Don't believe the hype.
  • Spawn -- Do I really need to elaborate? The cape was the only good actor.

Favourite Things to Nosh On:

The way to my heart is through my stomach. I already love myself, because I'm a damned good cook. My favourite cuisines are Indian, Thai, and Chinese. If you're coming my way, check out my recipes. Here's what you need to feed me in order to gain my undying affection:

  • Bacon, Lettuce, and Tomato Sandwich - toasted on white
  • Black Liquorice - the real stuff from Germany
  • Brazilian Coffee Cookies
  • Brio - everyone's favourite quinine soda
  • Bruschetta
  • Butter Chicken
  • Cajun Blackened Catfish - cooking this is like being in fifteen smoke-filled bars all at once
  • Cashew Chicken Guy Pan
  • Chile Chocolate Almond Cookies - yes, it really calls for red chiles!
  • Chocolate - milk, dark, bittersweet, or semi-sweet (not white)
  • Chocolate Almond Shortbread
  • Curry Masala - especially chicken
  • Earl Grey tea - with milk and sugar, of course
  • Fresh fruit - pink grapefruit, mango, orange, ugli fruit, melon, strawberry, cherry, raspberry, blackberry, salmonberry, bake-apple, banana, cranberry, peach, apricot, nectarine, pomegranite, plum, etcetera! (Damn. I'm making myself drool.)
  • Gin-based drinks: Tom Collins, and Singapore Slings in particular
  • Ginger Snap Cookies
  • Green Basil Curry
  • Gummi Bears - they're oh-so-fun to torture (my favourite technique is impalement with a 3-ring binder)
  • Hillbilly 12-Bean Soup
  • Honey Glazed Carrots
  • Kung Pao Dry Chili Chicken
  • Mashed Potatoes with Parsley
  • Mincemeat Pie
  • Naan bread
  • Nachos Con Pollo
  • Roast Chicken
  • Steamed Atlantic Salmon in White Wine and Lemon
  • Steamed Jasmine-Scented Rice
  • Szechuan Hot and Sour Soup
  • Toast - dark brown slathered with butter or margarine

Favourite Plays:

  • Dr. Faustus -- Christopher Marlowe
  • Dry Lips Ought to Move to Kapuskasing -- Thompson Highway
  • Edward II -- Christopher Marlowe
  • Equus -- Peter Schaffer
  • The Medea -- Euripedes
  • Richard III -- William Shakespeare
  • Salome -- Oscar Wilde
  • The Virgin and the Horn -- Shantell Powell
[Nekkid Shan]

Favourite Writers:

  • A. A. Attanasio
  • Roald Dahl
  • Stephen R. Donaldson
  • Euripedes
  • George MacDonald Fraser
  • Neil Gaiman
  • William Gibson
  • Christopher Marlowe
  • James Morrow
  • Neal Stephenson
  • Algernon Swinburne
  • Virgil
  • Irvine Welsh
  • Oscar Wilde

Least Favourite Writers:

  • Fabio - actually, it's unfair of me to put him in this list. I enjoy reading "his" stories (we know bloody well he's not the one really writing them) too much. They're just so goddamned bad, they reach the pinnacles of comedy. A book by him is like a classic B-movie.
  • Piers Anthony - although his writing is clear and easy to follow, he writes series about anything and everything. Ever want to read a metaphysical, yet erotic, novel about digging at toe-jam? He's probably working on it.
  • Poppy Z. Brite - yes, she was also in my favourites list. The thing that pisses me off is her predilection for completely going overboard about describing sex scenes. For a couple of pages, sure. For a couple of chapters? No, thank you. Give me plot, not plotte.
  • Mercedes Lackey - quite possibly the preachiest writer I've ever experienced. Every now and then, I'll pick up one of her books to get my blood flowing. It's hard to feel more alive than when you throw a book across the room screaming, "This is CRAP!"

Favourite Actors:

  • Isabelle Adjani - I haven't seen this gorgeous woman in anything lately. Sigh....
  • Helena Bonham Carter - She always looks like she's on the verge of losing it, whether or not she's in a corset.
  • Jackie Chan - Proof I'm not too old to begin studying martial arts.
  • Willem Dafoe - Wow. I'm in love!
  • Ralph Fiennes - unfortunately, good ol' Ralph has been choosing some real clunkers for scripts, lately. I want to see him in a real movie again.
  • Ewan McGregor - It took me quite a while to appreciate him, but now I quite look forward to seeing his films. He's in such oddball movies, and when he's too skinny, he really is rather yummy-looking in a heroin-addict kinda way.
  • Gary Oldman - Gary's been doing the same thing as Ralph, except that he's been typecast as a villain in all his cheesy films. Not that there's anything wrong with villains, but the movies are just not very choice.

Favourite Directors:

  • Ken Russell -- His films either blow chunks or amaze me with their sheer brilliance. There is no ho-hum with this madman.
  • Terry "Skippy" Thompson -- He did a bang-up job on The Virgin and the Horn. Unfortunately, he was traumatized and fled the province.

Favourite Comic Books/Graphic Novels:

[Tropical Shan]

Favourite Short Stories:

  • "Flowers for Algernon" -- Daniel Keyes
  • "Rats in the Walls" -- H. P. Lovecraft
  • "The Whimper of Whipped Dogs" -- Harlan Ellison

Favourite Games:

  • Knightmare Chess -- This is quite possibly the most surreal strategy game ever devised. Ultimately mind-boggling! It adds a wonky random element to the classic ageless game of chess. Steve Jackson made this, of course....
  • Magic: The Gathering -- I'll rock your world....
  • Populous -- Being God is fun!
  • Quake/Quake II -- I used to play regularly on hornet.golden.net
  • Robo Rally -- I really suck at this, but it makes the game that much more fun.
  • Scrabble -- I'm a human thesaurus with a knack for "inventing" real words.
  • Star Craft -- I'm a total Protoss Puppy. Play me on battle.net!
  • Vampire: Dark Ages -- Too many damn torches in the days before Edison.
  • Vampire: The Masquerade -- Amaranth, anyone?