FABIOsity

A Review of Pirate

I'm sure they had the best of intentions, but a couple of nights ago, my mother and sister dropped off Fabio's new book for me to read. This morning, during breakfast, I started to read Pirate. Guess what? This book is as bad as I thought it would be.

For instance, it is not enough that the hero (a 22-year old beefcake named Marco Glaviano) has his looks spelled out for us in great detail on the fifth page of the story. Oh no! His looks are spelled out in great detail for us every single time the heroine (a 12-year old "innocent" named Christina) chances to cast her eyes in his direction.

Nary a noun goes unadorned with one or more adjectives. In itself, this may not be a flaw. However, the adjective choice, and sometimes even the noun itself, leave much to be desired. As a prime example, skim to any one of the myriad of sex scenes. By the way, Christina is 19 now, so we don't have to worry about pedophilia. In the "plunder" scenes, penises are never called penises. Oh no! They are always referred to as "manhood," "masts," "members," or once, in a passionate spurt of inspiration, a "phallus." None of these terms are used on their own. They are always preceded by such modifiers as "swollen," "magnificent," or, my personal favourite, the clinical-sounding "turgid." One memorable "plunder" scene went something like follows: "Her sails unfurled about his mast." Keen, eh?

Although reading this piece of literature often set off gales of derisive laughter, I must admit that over all, Pirate is very readable, if only for its comic effect. All in all the book reminds me of cotton candy. It looks like a lot, but it only amounts to just the teensiest bit of sugar. There is absolutely no substance to it, but people buy it anyway for the sugar rush.

Also by "Fabio":

... The book cover is copyright Avon Books and Fabio Lanzoni. The book is a novel. It says so in the front.

Omigod! A Real Live Fabio Fan Flamed Me!!!

Yup. I've finally been told off for dissing the great Fabio himself. By the way, don't expect it to make much grammatical sense. I still don't understand what Tammy was getting at, or why the "GOOD LUCK YOU NEED IT!!!!!!!" was tossed in the middle like that....

Subject: in to the light

after looking at your main page the subject should have killed you. In case we didnt get that lucky. Fabio writes with his

GOOD LUCK YOU NEED IT!!!!!!!

writers so people can read his books and let their children read his works without an X rating. You sound very very very young the terms used in the book were curent for the time set of the book if you spent a little more time on what it takes to write a book and less on how to put down things you don't understand. You might go back to 4th grade and grow up!

Tammy Wooley

My Reply

Tammy:

Your letter confuses me somewhat. For one, I am not sure who the subject you refer to is. Do you mean Fabio? You think Fabio would kill me for a bad review? Well, I suppose it's possible. If he so chose, he would most likely be able to crush my head to smithereens before he died of a steroid-induced heart-attack.

Admittedly, I am not an old geezer. I'm still under 30. However, as a medieval/Renaissance historian, I must admit, I have yet to come across any period writing which describes sex as "sails unfurling about a mast." If you could point out an extant document which uses the same terminology, I'd be most grateful and entertained.

As for the X-rating, Fabio was a European hardcore porn actor before he launched his successful modelling/"writing" career. If there's a good adult video store where you live, you just might be able to see for yourself. In this way, you are right. Fabio probably does need the help to keep his books from becoming sheer hardcore porn. With the help of his ghost writers, he can rewrite sentences like "I shagged her real good" into bathetically erotic, albeit not pornographic, prose.

By the way, I passed grade four with flying colours, and I completed my university English studies some time ago. And, believe it or not, the critical review of Pirate that you so despise was nominated by a professional writer for a university award in journalism. I also gave it a public reading, and received lots of genuine applause from the audience. Not too shabby, hmm?

Thanks for giving me a pseudo-death threat about my Fabio review. You made my day. I'm still smiling. I wonder what you'd do if I dissed Barbara Cartland....

Toodles!

Lost?

You can e-mail the ShanMonster!

Those really nifty hearts came from the I Can't Believe it's Not Butter homepage. Really!

Onward to Industrial Strength Netiquette....